Jetpack Exhaust

Of all the amazingly terrible movies I’ve ever written about, only one has this moment:

Now are you the glorious action-taking glowing-headed hero on the left, or the lifeless, lumbering, soon-to-be-unconscious-and-the-world-will-not-mourn fool on the right? 

I normally wouldn’t be able to make my preferences any clearer. But my fine friends at Kink Engineering, their actions speak louder than mere words. And that camera-equipped Paul Hillier is worth a thousand with every click. And our powers combined!

BEHOLD THE LUCHA!

I’ve been itching to write this article for ages and it’s great to see it up. And doing well! And some commenters even wrote that they only started reading it to mock me but now admit that they’ve changed their minds, which I think counts as an Internet Miracle. 

Not an ounce of troll in it either. I’ve spent most of my life as a Batmanman, but over the last two years I’ve realized it’s all about the Stark. I kept the article to the movies because that’s what most people have seen but it all applies to the comics too. You should read:

Anything by Matt Fraction. Seriously, his ongoing arcs are amazing. World’s Most Wanted kicks all the ass, and now Stark is a stone-broke startup CEO taking on Big Oil, the US military, Hammer, AND still insisting to anyone who asks “Back off, I got this.” BONUS: Powered-up Pepper Potts is an actual strong female character.

Anything by Warren Ellis. Do I even need to tell you this? The best comics writer for just-beyond-bleeding-edge real tech, the best comics writer for badass, smartass and grabass characters, and the best comics writer full stop. That’s five different way he’s perfect for Stark. (And he’s not writing comics now, so enjoy what you can!)

“Anything” by Adam Warren, but that’s only Iron Man: Hypervelocity. The most lunatic joy overkill-by-super-tech writer I’ve ever loved to bits, and they gave him Iron Man. I won’t consider any match more perfect until they give me Iron Man, by which I mean an actual Iron Man suit. (His Dirty Pair Run From The Future remains the most densely packed tome of technojoy in print, and Livewires is all about the androids.) BONUS: Batfans should track down Titan: Scissors, Paper, Stone for a wonderful and “anonymous” guest character.

I’ve been reading the classics too, but honestly can’t recommend them anyone without an advanced love of the character and kitsch.

The latest article on Cracked focuses on some of the most mammarily insane patents ever filed.

Leashing women to the sink for their own good.

This one isn’t just hilarious, it’s going to be meta-hilarious because they put “Sexism” in my title specifically to bring out the best in internet commenters. Who’ll explain how I’m a total hypocrite for both caring about equality AND noticing that breasts exist, and that people have thought about them. 

Lasers are how science is cutting that edge you hear about. It’s the fastest moving science in the last century (a little speed of light joke), and is awesome.

I have two degrees in laser physics from my previous life as an academic, so this one was a lot of fun! That’s probably also why they straightened out a couple of my nerdiest lines, probably for the best. I include my favorite below as a tumblr bonus:

The group sending nuclear-powered laser robots and hoping Martians don’t have a J’onn Connor.

I have been gifted with a condition doctors call “extreme Irishness” and “get out of my office, there’s the opposite of anything wrong with you.” This makes the annual North American display of Oirish begorrahty hilarious to me. I’ve listed the 8 most hilarious fake Irishnesses.

For contrast, here are two fantastic fruits of Erin.

Quick psychology test: what’s wrong with this picture?

If you said “Nothing”, well done.

If you screeched “THEY’RE TWO MEN!”, your idiocy fueled both this article and the constant laughter I enjoyed while writing it.

If you said “That asshole is eating the first slice of their wedding cake,” congratulations on your keen observational skills and respect for matrimonial etiquette.

I loved this one. I mean, when Archie Andrews feels compelled to publicly kick your ass, you must be the worst person ever.

Solid rock, frozen in time, the shattered heart of Chernobyl - not just musical genres (probably), but places we’ve found life. My original title didn’t include the word science because of course everything awesome we do is scientific. Luckily the editors realized that

a) A lot of people somehow don’t know that

b) We should fix the ridiculousness of a) every day.

Read, and behold!

A while back I wrote an article on the most hilariously sexist superhero costumes, because most comics are to blatant sexism what printing and distributing pictures of powerful women forced to prance and flex around in fishnets and ass-cracking thongs for immature men are to blatant sexism: exactly the same thing.

Black Canary causes intense pain when she opens her mouth, and dresses like a Playboy bunny on a smoke break. And is still one of the less sexist superheroes.

My analysis of Ridiculously Sexist Costumes triggered a tidal wave of Even Stupider Comments, and wow was that fun to write. I think I cut two more articles worth of material from that piece because the idiots were so easy to mock, but so urgently stupid that only the most sharpened mockery would do.

TUMBLR BONUS

Some DVD Extras cut from the final Cracked release, presented here for your pleasure!

On me being gay

They think that you can either allow women equal rights or sleep with them, because in their experience women will use every advantage they have to not do that.

On virgins

I never assume that comics nerds are lonely virgins who’d require divine intervention to get laid, but when someone’s calling me a homosexual through an internet comment about Powergirl’s titwindow I’ll Assume that harder than the Virgin Mary.

On Amanda Waller

She’s a person of color, of size, and of-aries, all disadvantages as far as mainstream comics are concerned.

On myself

I am not a politically correct man. I’ve watched more videos of more nationalities of women wrestling than an Olympic coach, with far more intensity. But of course I want want equal treatment for all, because obviously, and because life and genitals are far more fun when everyone is allowed their own ideas about what to do with them.

Democracy says that everyone should have a say in ruling the world and was invented before the internet, and those two facts are absolutely related. Luckily anyone who’s read YouTube comments doesn’t want to rule or be near people so we’ve still got the vote.

Plus this article will trigger online comments on me commenting on these online comments. I’m going to short-circuit the internet!

Stupidity is no excuse, because these idiots clearly knew they were breaking the law. And nothing else. Also, some of them have the most ridiculous weapon collection since Inspector Gadget.

Except a good umbrella would be more useful than most of those

I also have to update my craziness index: I was expecting far more hilarity from “sovereign citizens”, but the majority of feedback was from followers of Asatru. Whose main tenets seem to be “whining” and “not getting their own point.” Every pro-Asatru mail I got shouted “You have to respect our faith, we’re not stupid lunatics like those Wiccans/Christians/other religion we mock while berating you for mocking ours.” 

It’s very simple: if you believe in something, that’s your business. No-one else’s. If your faith will transcend death and live eternally with omnipotent beings, surely it’s strong enough to withstand theological burdens like me thinking you’re mad. You don’t like me anyway! Surely the knowledge I’ll burn wherever your loving religion sticks people with the wrong story memorized is good for you!

Likewise, my belief in Optimus Prime as a role model is immune to your criticism. Because I genuinely care about him more than I care about the opinions of random strangers on the internet.